12 Friendship Skills Every Child Needs

Kids can be picky about who they play and mix with.

Popularity should not be confused with sociability. A number of studies in recent decades have shown that appearance, personality type and ability impact on a child’s popularity at school.

Good-looking, easy-going, talented kids usually win peer popularity polls but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee they will have friends.

Those children and young people who develop strong friendships have a definite set of skills that help make them easy to like, easy to relate to and easy to play with.

Here are twelve essential skills that children have identified as being important for making and keeping friends:

1.  Ability to share possessions and space
2.  Keeping confidences and secrets
3.  Offering to help
4.  Accepting other’s mistakes
5.  Being positive and enthusiastic
6.  Starting a conversation
7.  Winning and losing well
8.  Listening to others
9.  Starting and maintaining a conversation
10. Ignoring someone who is annoying you
11. Cooperating with others
12.  Giving and receiving compliments

Friendships skills are generally developmental. That is, kids grow into these skills given exposure to different situations and with adult help.

In past generations ‘exposure to different situations’ meant opportunities to play with each other, with siblings and with older and younger friends.

They were reminded by parents about how they should act around others. They were also ‘taught’ from a very young age.

Arrested development

The NEW CHILD grows up with fewer siblings, fewer opportunities for unstructured play and less freedom to explore friendships than children of even ten years ago.

A parenting style that promotes a high sense of individual entitlement rather than the notion of fitting in appears to be popular at the moment.

These factors can lead to delayed or arrested development in these essential friendship skills, resulting in very unhappy, self-centred children.

Here are some ideas if you think your child experiences developmental delay in any of these essential skills or just needs some help to acquire them:

(1)  Encourage or insist that kids play and work with each other: Allowing kids the freedom to be kids is part of the message here but parents have to be cunning with the NEW CHILD and construct situations where kids have to get on with each other. For some kids “Go outside and play” is a good place to start!!

(2)  Play with your kids: Interact with your kids through games and other means so you can help kids learn directly from you how to get on with others.

(3)  Talk about these skills: If you notice your kids need to develop some of these skills then talk about them, point out when they show them and give them some implementation ideas.

Kids are quite ego-centric and need to develop a sense of ‘other’ so they can successfully negotiate the many social situations that they find themselves in.

As parents we often focus on the development of children’s academic skills and can quite easily neglect the development of these vitally important social skills, which contribute so much to children’s happiness and well-being.

I want to take this opportunity to wish each of you a Happy New Year!  2009 has been a great year for Small Blessing.  I have enjoyed working with each family.

2010 promises to be a great year with lots of opportunities for learning and growing.  Please mark your  calendar now for our Annual Child Health and Safety Fair Saturday, March 6, 2010 10:00 – 1:00.  We are in the process of contacting vendors.  If you know of a health and safety vendor, that would be a great addition to our fair, please let me know.  I would love to hear!

December is always a busy time of the year with lots of hustle and bustle, Christmas shopping and Christmas parties.  Many times we move right from the business of the holidays right into the New Year.  Please take time for yourself.  Resting, relaxing and playing are great ways to stay healthy and reduce stress.  Make a New Year’s resolution that you will take time to care for yourself so you can care for your children.

Please remember that I am here to serve you and your family. If you ever have a Health and Safety concern or question, I would like to hear.

Ms. LeDena
Health Specialist

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.

If children live with shame, they learn to be guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and others.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

By Dorothy Law Nolte - Author of Children Learn What They Live

“Adults need to take a more active role in many ways, than in the past, in helping children to learn how to be friends and what you do to be friends, because they’re having less spontaneous opportunities to interact with peers in positive give-and-take ways.”

This is the observation of Nancy Carlsson-Paige and Diane Levin in their chapter, “Children’s Friendships in Contemporary Society,” from the Exchange book, Connecting: Friendship in the Lives of Young Children and Their Teachers.  They continue…

“They’re having more time in front of the screen, families often interact less, say, during dinner.  There’s less neighborhood play where children would spontaneously play with other children outside.  So we’re often left with a situation where children don’t have as many places in which to learn the positive things they should be learning that help them feel powerful and effective and counteract all those negative messages they’re learning about social interactions on television.”

Children’s anger presents challenges to teachers committed to constructive, ethical, and effective child guidance. This Digest explores what we know about the components of children’s anger, factors contributing to understanding and managing anger, and the ways teachers can guide children’s expressions of anger.

Three Components of Anger

Anger is believed to have three components (Lewis & Michalson, 1983):

The Emotional State of Anger. The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe several types of stress-producing anger provocations that young children face daily in classroom interactions:

• Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking children’s property or invading their space.
• Physical assault, which involves one child doing something to another child, such as pushing or hitting.
• Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.
• Rejection, which involves a child being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
• Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that children do something that they do not want to do–for instance, wash their hands.

Expression of Anger. The second component of anger is its expression. Some children vent or express anger through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in nonaggressive ways. Still other children express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some children express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Other children express anger through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. And some children use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.

Teachers can use child guidance strategies to help children express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. Children develop ideas about how to express emotions (Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some children have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger (Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, when confronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A major challenge for early childhood teachers is to encourage children to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.

An Understanding of Anger. The third component of the anger experience is understanding–interpreting and evaluating–the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of the emotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because children’s ability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, children need guidance from teachers and parents in understanding and managing their feelings of anger.

Understanding and Managing Anger

The development of basic cognitive processes undergirds children’s gradual development of the understanding of anger (Lewis & Saarni, 1985).

Memory. Memory improves substantially during early childhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young children to better remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions. Children who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after teachers help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that teachers may have to remind some children, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.

Language. Talking about emotions helps young children understand their feelings (Brown & Dunn, 1996). The understanding of emotion in preschool children is predicted by overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Teachers can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because children’s families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.

Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors.Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young children provides a base for early childhood teachers who can develop strategies to nurture children’s emerging ability to regulate the expression of anger.

Guiding Children’s Expressions of Anger

Teachers can help children deal with anger by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The practices described here can help children understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and nonaggressive way.

Create a Safe Emotional Climate. A healthy early childhood setting permits children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.

Model Responsible Anger Management. Children have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of anger (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Adults who are most effective in helping children manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and nonaggressive ways.

Help Children Develop Self-Regulatory Skills. Teachers of infants and toddlers do a lot of self-regulation “work,” realizing that the children in their care have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As children get older, adults can gradually transfer control of the self to children, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.

Encourage Children to Label Feelings of Anger. Teachers and parents can help young children produce a label for their anger by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

Encourage Children to Talk About Anger-Arousing Interactions. Preschool children better understand anger and other emotions when adults explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When children are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, teachers can help by listening without judging,evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.

Use Books and Stories about Anger to Help Children Understand and Manage Anger. Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate children’s feelings and give information about anger (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995). It is important to preview all books about anger because some stories teach irresponsible anger management.

Communicate with Parents. Some of the same strategies employed to talk with parents about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helping children learn to express emotions. For example, articles about learning to use words to label anger can be included in a newsletter to parents.

Children guided toward responsible anger management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor anger management (Eisenberg et al., 1991). Teachers can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing anger by adopting positive guidance strategies.

Condensed by permission from Marian Marion, “Guiding Young Children’s Understanding and Management of Anger,” Young Children 52(7), 62-67. Copyright 1997 by the National Association for the Education of Young Children.

• Hold hands during mealtime prayers.
• Walk one-on-one with each child.  Swing hands and talk.  Tell jokes.  Sing.
• Bad day?  Sigh dramatically and say, “I sure could use a great big hug from someone special.”
• Wonderful day?  Shout, “Hey, everybody!  Come hug me!  I had the best day!”
• Make Hug Sandwiches.  With your spouse, gently surprise unsuspecting children–no matter what age!
• Declare a 100 Hugs Day among your family.  Count them as you go.
• Do four-direction kisses: north (foreheads), south (chins), east/west (cheeks).
• Wrap your arms around your children during church and while waiting together or watching TV.
• APply the Pat Principle: “When in doubt, pat.” God made lots of patting places–heads, cheeks, knees, hands, shoulders, backs.

–By Lorri Cardwell-Casey, From HomeLife Magazine

Over the past decade there has been a raging debate in the early childhood field between those who favor accelerated academic instruction and those who favor free play for three, four, and five year olds.  The New York Times Magazine (September 27, 2009) joined in on this debate with an article, “The Make-Believe Solution,” which described a curriculum of organized make-believe play called “Tools of the Mind.”  This curriculum is said to be based on these concepts proposed by Lev Vigotsky in the first quarter of the 20th century:

• At 4 or 5, a child’s ability to play creatively with other children is a better indicator of her future academic success than any other indicator, including her vocabulary, her counting skills, or her knowledge of the alphabet.
• Dramatic play is the training ground where children learn to regulate themselves, to conquer their own unruly minds.
• In dramatic play children are guided by the basic principles of play. Make-believe isn’t as stimulating and satisfying if players don’t stick to their roles. When children follow the rules of make-believe and push one another to follow those rules, they develop important habits of self control.

Below you will find a list of possible questions to help you with conversations about your child’s reading. They are not intended to be used all at once or every time you read with your child. Use them at your discretion and where they are appropriate. Happy Reading!!

Questions to ask before you read

• Can you look at the pictures and predict what you think will happen in this book?
• What makes you think that?
• What characters do you think might be in our story?
• Do you think there will be a problem in this story?  Why or why not?
• Does the topic/story relate to you or your family?  How?

Questions to ask during the reading

• What do you think will happen next?
• What can you tell me about the story so far?
• Can you predict how the story will end?
• Why do you think the character did _______?
• What would you have done if you were the character?
• How would you have felt if you were the character? (use different characters)
• As I read ________, it made me picture _______ in my head.  What pictures do you see in your head?
• As you read, what are you wondering about?
• Can you put what you’ve just read in your own words?

Questions to ask after reading

• Can you remember the title?
• In your opinion, was it a good title for this book?  Why or why not?
• Were your predictions about the story correct?
• If there was a problem, how did it get solved?
• What happened because of the problem?
• Why do you think the author wrote this book?
• What is the most important point the author is trying to make in his writing?
• What was your favorite part of the story?
• If you could change one thing in the story, what would it be?
• Can you retell the story in order?
• If you were ____________, how would you have felt?
• What is the most interesting situation in the story?
• Is there a character in the story like you?  How are you alike?
• Why did you like this book?

The week of March 1 is the annual Read Across America celebration. Many families feel a vast amount of pressure to prepare their young children for school. The market reflects our fear that our children will not be able to compete at- or above-level, with products like Your Baby Can Read and Baby Einstein grossing big dollars from concerned and well-intentioned parents.

But what about the tremendous value inherent in sharing good quality children’s books every day? Our hectic schedules and extra-curricular overload of activities and organizations often prevent us from stopping in our tracks, grabbing a good book and reading with our child sitting in our lap or by our side.

Reading with your child enables measurable leaps in their cognitive and language development. It develops a love for reading, an enthusiasm for learning and it hones the pre-reading skills they will need in their scholastic and personal life. The neurological connections young children develop during shared reading do much to prepare them for later academic performance and skill mastery. And the social-emotional foundation you’re already building with your child is vastly strengthened and supported by shared time with you enjoying a good book together.

I know that sounds too simple. In our fear, we expect to find out that we need DVD trainings, special worksheets and community experts to “hardwire” our children. We hope, in a bit of desperation, that sitting the toddler in front of a video or providing our preschooler with a “point and click” computer game will offer us a quick fix and deliver us (on time and under budget) a child who is reading fluently, doing long division and on the fast track to the Nobel prize.

Unfortunately, it is a longer track to the Nobel and the way is paved with good books and shared experiences. No DVD video can do what you accomplish when you visit your local public library and select some fun and varied books with your child to share over the coming week. You convey to them how truly important, and fun, reading is when you share a commitment to read to them for about 15-20 minutes every single day.

Once you’ve made the decision to read to your child every day, you may be wondering what books to choose and what kinds of purposeful things you can do to teach pre-reading skills as you go. For a start, there are literally hundreds of good books for each developmental age and stage. The most helpful advice is to visit your local library and speak with the children’s librarian about your child, their age and interests. Let the librarian guide you to great selections that are age appropriate.

As for good tips on sharing the books, most importantly, always share books you have enjoy. If you’re not enthused, they may not be, either. Try to read with voice inflections, emphasis on important words and passion. Point left to right at the words across the page as you read the story to help children learn reading orientation. Spend a lot of time with your child, just looking at the pictures. Ask them, when age appropriate, what they think is happening in the story, what they think might happen next and how the characters might feel. Also, talk about the setting of the story and the action of the plot. This helps introduce them to story elements.

Above all else, enjoy this time with your child. Soccer, boy- and girl-scouts and all other extracurricular activities are fun and important to social and emotional development. But nothing is more important than the relationship you build with and education you provide to your child by sharing books and reading together.

1. You don’t have to wait for your baby to get to a certain age to begin reading to him.  Start now!
2. Continue reading aloud to your child until he is at least 10 years old.  Children continue to benefit from listening to others read long after they themselves have learned to read.
3. For young children, books with rhythm, and repetition are excellent.
4. Be consistent about reading aloud to your child.  Do it daily and, if possible, about the same time.  Reading right before bedtime often works well.
5. If you have several small children, you can read to them together.  Picture books work well for this situation.
6. Don’t be surprised if your children want to hear a favorite book again and again.  That’s fine.  As they get to really know the story well, have them fill in words for you.
7. Make sure you select books that are at the child’s interest level.
8. Some children love reading about the same characters.  If that’s what your child likes, choose several books in a series.
9. Vary the subject matter of what you read as well as the type.  In addition to fiction, you might also read poetry, magazine articles, and non-fiction.
10. As your child gets older and gains in reading ability, occasionally pick a book right at his reading level and take turns reading to one another.

Tips:

When reading a chapter of a book each night, always review what happened in the previous night’s chapter before starting a new chapter.

When you begin reading aloud to a baby, you will only be able to keep your baby’s attention to a few minutes.  This is to be expected.

As children mature, so do their attention spans.